My Feelings

I decided to take yet another one of my annual breaks from Hatena a few months before May 31st, 2013.  I never gave a final goodbye to my friends, I didn't usually when I went on these Hatena breaks. I didn't say goodbye because of how confident I was that they would be there when I got back.

I joined Hatena shortly after it's release, under the name 'NeedHelp?' I used the account not to make flipnotes, but assist other people with problems that they had in the real world. Soon that fell apart over reasons I don't want to discuss.

So I rid myself of NeedHelp? and began doing what I usually did, chatting in chat rooms until late at night under the name BlackOut.

Now, my story isn't over yet, but I will say this at this point: I have many years of memories on this website and I feel deeply depressed to know that almost all will be lost to time. It makes me sad, not only for the memories, but mainly for the people in them. They are gone, and where are they now? I miss them so bad, so very bad, and there is nothing I can do. I am sure that at least some of you feel the same way. I don't know how to cope with this. I'm just so depressed now.

Anyway, I guess I kind of skipped a major part of my Hatena story. While I was under the name NeedHelp?, I met a group of people I grew very close with. Bell Honne, Tekton, Robster, and others. I grew apart from them after a long time, but stayed in loose contact with them until my final break and the end Hatena. I often wonder where they are now. I hope at least one of them find this.

After I stopped hanging around Bell Honne and the others (By the way, I have Bell Honne to thank for my being on Hatena in the first place, she convinced me not to quit), I fell into other groups and made many new friends. I did not stay in contact with these people, and I wish I did.

But then I met Selena and Ally, some other people who felt the same way I did on many topics. After 6 months, that fell apart, but we reunited and penned our final notes to each other years later.

Then came my favourite chapter in the story, the chapter of Cafe Japan. Cafe Japan was just a makeshift cafe set up on one of the flipnotes of my friend Dawn. This group included Wishmaker, Poke, Ricky, Spade (Spade was actually someone I met awhile before), Deni, and a few others. We became known as the Cafe 6, and often met there in the night to chat.

One night in particular, Dawn began acting odd and claimed she was a demon. She went on with this until I last spoke to her. She attempted to tear apart the rest of us, to some avail. But the majority of us still kept in touch until the end of Hatena.

Eventually, we broke apart naturally. I fell into another group, one of which I would rather not speak of. Our time together was amazing. I miss them greatly.

Between all of these major events over the years, I met and conversed with hundreds of people, like Pandoodle. Pandoodle had thousands of fans, but we often just talked and again felt the same way towards things. Our personalities weren't much different from each others'. Evenually she left Hatena because of personal reasons. She mentioned me in a Farewell flipnote. Out of thousands of people, she chose 3 people to mention in that last flipnote. I was one of them, and I must say I was very humbled. I came close to crying, I'll admit. Don't judge.

Anyway, I met hundreds of wonderful people between major events. I wish I could tell you all of their names, but I can't. I miss every single one of them. I wonder, and hope, of their safety. I hope one of them find this blog.

And then there was Mischief and Bestestcat. To you both, I am sorry for not being there and leaving without explanation often. When I last spoke to Mischief, she was angry at me. We had been friends for a long time. I asked for forgiveness but it wasn't granted. Perhaps I didn't deserve forgiveness. Mischief never told me why she was mad, so I never knew how to heal whatever I had done. She blocked me from commenting, and that was that.

Bestestcat was ill the last I heard. I like to think she is OK.

Listen. There is thousands of hours I had on Hatena and I met hundreds of great people. You literally cannot begin to understand how much I miss you all, and how much I pray at least one of you find this. I need closure, and I'm sorry I never got to say goodbye.

And now I sit here with nothing but lost memories. With tears in my eyes. Perhaps I can say goodbye now. You don't know how hard it is to say this. Then again, maybe you do. But saying goodbye to so much you knew for this many years isn't diffcult and I dread the fact that in just a few lines, I will say my final goodbye.

Just know that I am fine. I want to grant people closure if they come looking for this, maybe because I never got any. I am fine, and I am hoping that you are too. Thank you for everything. I  will miss you all greatly. I hope dearly there's something I haven't missed. Goodbye, my friends.

~BlackOut, your friend.