How are you?

It has been stormy recently.

Sitting at the flat that I once shared with you, I watch the rain falls on the window, making a quick "shash" sound. "How are you?", I would like to ask, as I once used to. Yet, there is no answer.

Looking at the postcards we put togehter, the desk you setted for my home office and for yours, the weekly vegitable deliveries, the memories of you feels surreal. We were once so happy. I only realise how much I love you when I left you, or when you left me. The pain of being ignored by loved ones is unbearable. 

I felt like a dog, always trying to do the best for my owner who had liked me and played with me. All these were one day no longer appreciated, I was moved to the backyard out of blue. Not knowing why, my body gets tense, heart beats irregularly and hands shake voluntarily while waiting for you, my owner, my only lover. Hey, I am here! I have been waiting for your attention, waiting for you to come near, waiting for you to bring me back in, waiting for your soft voice, waiting for your touch and tenderness. I tried to run, run to you, even though I have been kicked back several times. I could only see you from a distance, yet I long for your glance, even if it has to be behind many others. "I AM HERE", I tried to raise my voice in the hope that you would give me the slightest attention. Yet, those were not reciprocated.

Seeing you getting closer to others, listening to your conversations about us, the old version of us, I blamed myself. I was told to behave, to not voice. What did i do wrong? What could I do more? What have I not tried? Was I not being understanding? DId I not notice your needs? or i deserve love from anyone but you?

We stand at the oppposite extremes of a scale. Actually, I felt better during this tough time. It's quiet. There's only us, no other girlfriends, other important meetings with friends; no mixed-up schedules. I had you by my side. However, it turned out to be a horrible experience for you, as you mentioned it in the first session. "How could I not notice?", I asked myself. When did all these started? Turning a blind eye to stuff that you care and turning our backs to each other. "How could I not see that?", I tried to analyse. I will never get the answers since you don't talk to me anymore. 

Looking at the seat you used to sit on, the dest you used for work, your belongings that you did not manage to take with, the whole place that we shared a story with, my heart sinks. Memory weighs. I wish I had the ability to forget, just like you, and selectively keep those good ones. I wish we can talk one day. I wish we can meet one day. I wish we can be friends one day. I wish you are happy. I wish you find someone that makes you happy. I wish you live your life fully. 

Thank you very much for everything. I love you but I have to let you go. Blame me, if this ease your pain.

Summer will be here soon. Let the warmth of the sun comfort you because I can not do it anymore.

Neuro

"我這麼老了還能學嗎？"

幾年前的我大概會不以為意地聳肩，然後忘記這個問題曾經被提過。

近年來的科學發展，跟我以前想像的完全不一樣。會這麼說是在因緣際會下，頂著時差參加了頂尖大學舉辦的學生學術研討會。一方面多少填補班機取消的苦悶，另一方面想了解我曾經以為是頂尖的圈子在做什麼樣的研究。我必須先感謝會方允許全黑的螢幕代表我入場，誰也見不到躲在螢幕背後那狼狽的身影在漆黑的夜裡是否參與了，又誰也見不著那失望爬回床上補眠的喪屍。

一直以來，我以為我用著“老”技術做“老”研究。正因為合作單位有許多新的技術雖可學，卻要拼死拼活地學。想要準時畢業，我得在有限的資源內，想辦法拼揍出什麼。辛苦學來接著做出來的結果，都老了。望著螢幕裡，站在海報旁羞怯的學生們，闡述著用最新技術做出來的研究，我卻難以得出問題的來源是什麼？是語言不熟悉的關係吧，我心想。仔細一看內容，才發現大概是教科書裡的吧？這個情況在這裡倒是不常見。近年來，神經科學領域蓬勃發展，每個人都想來分一杯羹，更有人表明說要有寫到“神經科學”的計畫，才有機會拿到研究經費。一般來說會寫在教科書裡的內容，大概有二十年的研究歷史。如果要從開始擬定這個研究的時間算起，應該要再加十年歷史。即使目前教科書翻新率很高，大致的內容也不會改變。近年的蓬勃更是讓此領域的研究以二十年前不及的速度大力推前，教科書簡而言之是作古的。學生之所以要讀這些教科書，除了吸取原來不了解的內容為“新知”，還要以書為本避免重複實驗內容。眼前的學生不止講了書裡的內容，更講錯了內容，所以他做了這個研究想要回答什麼問題？幾乎引用老研究的海報，大概也不是新的問題吧！我心想。

碩班的時候每個研討會要讀兩三篇近五年的論文，一週下來大概要十篇以上。教授還要問你“最新消息”“周邊新聞”“研究花絮”，每個禮拜都要吐血。那些無字天書是失眠強效藥，每讀必入睡。換句話說，碩班的目的在於讓學生打破限於教科書的框框，到無窮無盡的論文海裡游泳。幸運或者知道方向的人，游到特定海域，跟海豚一起游泳。但這只是特例。大部分的情況下，人要不原地打轉或者精疲力盡放手讓海浪捲走。更不幸的人就遇到大鯊魚，被當小魚吃掉，消失待跡。我沒有遇到海豚，只是比別人掙扎地更久，不讓海浪決定去向。有天，我幸運的遇到開大頭燈的漂流者。定下目標，一起尋找海豚，尋找上岸的機會。這是行外人看得懂的說法。

實際上近年來的蓬勃更是讓神經科學領域產生大爆炸，各個分領自成一家，分領下又各分幾流。參與的人有生物、醫學、工程、數學、心理、統計、化學、物理、語言等等等的背景。眾家的加入硬是把這短短四字描述的”神經科學“領域多擠出了一個維度，於是上一段所描述的狀況，我得用星際迷航來比喻比較接近真實。

中醫遇到無法回答的問題時常說”這是體質問題“。西醫比較偏向回答”這是你基因或者腦子的問題“。於是當Auguste想不起自己，便被送進法蘭克福醫院精神科，當時名為瘋人院。經過主治醫師Alzheimer長期的觀察，這位只（能）活在當下的老婦成為首位被診斷為阿茲海默症的病人，其醫病紀錄甚至被詳細刊載於教科書上。現在大家不說那是腦子的問題了，改口說”去問問神經科學領域的人“。每當被問到”神經科學相關問題”的時候，我的腦子就會回到那個星際迷航現場，眼前只看得到

“ＥＲＲＯＲ！

  CODE  1093Fuuu756673c8812K309874.”

話說回來，老了就不能學了？究竟什麼又是學？Auguste回去舊記憶被阻斷了，找不到了。他能學嗎？

-------------------

下集待續

Vienna

Vienna, what a city!

You have grown up. Sitting in the seat across from yours, I was hoping that you would not notice my uneasiness. I had had no idea how this trip would be like. Remember that I told you,"this is life" when we bid farewell two years ago? I had thought that we would never see each other again. We were however laughing and sharing the stories on the train to Vienna. Listening to your ambitions that I had not known, I got reacquainted with you. 

It is a city we both had never been to. I had hoped secretly that your humor could make me feel more relaxed during the trip, but that person I saw the day before worried me a bit. When we met in a small German city, you were radiant and I was shy. It was our first year abroad, when everything was new, fresh and excitiing. You had great passion. I had a dream. However, the day before in the train station, you seemed listless and I saw my reflection in your eyes. Ah, has it changed? The chicken left on top of your car by accident is still a pleasant memory to revive whenever I feel down. When the sudden rain led us to a park, you laughed. Happily, I found out that the funny boy had not been left behind. 

You said, "I have been perceived to be a huge success by people from home, yet I am doing stupid jobs to survive. I should be doing something more meaningful. But all the years, what I got was that as a foreigner, one has to work double hard to prove oneself before winning trsut from people."

"Life is never fair. This is how I see it. I was smashed into pieces at the moment I got on the plane and the life abroad is the process to put those pieces back in place. One has to try the best to put oneself together until he/she is finally one piece again." I replied.

I enjoyed the film festival in front of the city hall. It was as if I had been back to one of those night markets at home. The waves of wind brought the familair smell of grilled seafood, bringing me home to the ambitous me, the one sitting by the river with street food from a night market and talking eloquently about the unknown future.

Is this the future I once wanted? I think the past me would have slapped the current me hard if she could. Right? At least, it helped to break the vicious cycle. 

I am happy that we met.

Oh, Vienna, I'd be back again. 

祝福

你要去美國了，真的為你開心。想起將近三年前我剛到德國，在那個陌生的房間裡，和你聊理想與未來。轉眼如今的我多了點憔悴，而你是正發著各種光芒。

其實仔細回想，高中的我們因走在同樣追求理想的路上而聚在一起。大學時也只有放假偶爾見個面，大家敘舊和更新。It's amazing that we got so close only after a short time and this friendship last long and now even longer. 雖然我們不能常聚，相處的時間加總也不算是太長，我不敢說是你的好朋友之一。但是很開心老天讓我們聚在一起，分享那些酸甜苦辣的時光。

有好多話想說，但我知道不是現在。我想過不了幾個月，那些生活的壓力和工作上的焦頭爛額會使你忘記這封信。你可能會短時間經歷各種人生三溫暖，可能眼前的路充滿困難與挑戰。可是請你記得，不管你在哪裡，發生了什麼事，我（們）都在。

Live as fully as you can. Enjoy!

給你們

今天異常安靜，我想不只是星期天的緣故。

這兩個禮拜慢下步調，白日試圖在喧鬧的辦公室中發掘寂靜的角落，在一成不變的生活中找尋動力; 夜晚則聆聽來自瑞士的聲音，試圖想像那個我也走過的小鎮裡，正在發生什麼事情。

那三年前毅然決然背著行囊來流浪的我沒有想到的是，距離原來不是問題，時差才是。你說，歐洲的夜晚怎麼這麼安靜？原來是大家都睡了，社群暫時得不到更新。是啊！我起床，你們在上班; 我工作，你們開始一天短暫的自己的生活; 我下班後，你們都睡了; 然後一天重新開始，日復一日。動如參與商已經要三年了呢！除非我上班打混或你們熬夜，不然南北極圈是沒那麼容易到達的。

前天對你說，如果沒有你們，我想我現在會是個很不一樣的人。你笑了！沒有你們笑我蠢、罵我笨，再晴的星空都不夠照亮這無數的夜晚。就是因為我知道啊！不管走到哪，你們都在，早上醒來還是那樣嘻嘻鬧鬧、砲火隆隆，又可以開始新的一天。我想像著如果沒有這微妙的羈絆，幾百個酒肉朋友都不足填滿內心的空虛，人最終就會像黛玉，看起來能和每種人做朋友，卻是世界上最寂寞的人吧！

"Some believe it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found. It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love." ~Gandalf the Grey/White quote from Lord of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien. 

這幾天晚上難得有人陪我聊天，什麼事情也不重要了！重拾廢話的趣味，聊到睡著，然後衝去上班。其實我該放下眼前的細胞跳上火車的？很快的系統裡又要多一個世界時鐘了。但這次我沒有多想，實驗排開吧！我對自己說，只要你們來，都盡全力排開工作和你們見面，多陪陪你們，下次見面不知道是什麼時候了呢！

今早起床一如往常地看手機訊息，才睡個覺你就回到家了！

晚安德國，早安台灣。我的時間又被重新定義。

幸福是什麼？

       昨天和朋友討論到底幸福是什麼？為什麼有些在你眼裡能和幸福做朋友的人，實際上總只是路過幸福？

       我大學時候所期待的幸福，是每天可以開心毫無顧慮的做自己，其他一概不理。每當認識新人的不安襲來，我就嫌麻煩地躲進舒適圈內。活動能不參加就不參加，四年來同學沒認識幾個。沒有出現在課堂上也不會有人發現，包含老師在內，甚至連要上台領獎也不知道。這樣的自信和剛烈，和身邊的人迥異，我也自在地不將大家看在眼裡。我告訴自己，好不容易獲得的第一次人生自由，沒有必要被感情綁手綁腳。或許是我選擇了單身，而非其選擇了我，儘管口中總給自己編造些類似沒有好對象的理由。

       剛來的時候，只忙著眼前最基本的生存。如今有了生活，回想過去兩年，那些空洞並沒有因風沙而填補，反是由舉足不前的自己築了高牆而守護著吧！不願受傷，所以搭起了溫室，小心翼翼地將一切阻擋。幸福是否也被擋在玻璃窗外？近似能伸手就得到，卻只能默默地望著風雨無情地帶走它，還要安慰自己冬天過後春天就會再來了。那些條件到頭來，都可能只是不想努力的藉口罷了。

       朋友說著他的朋友的故事，感慨著每個人的人生課題真是不容易。那位朋友想要的幸福並不被祝福，儘管如此在他眼裡，那也是幸福的形式之一不是嗎？我不禁想起那一夜，在酒水歡笑的伴隨下，我們述說著自己想要的幸福，時而讓淚水包覆著脆弱的自己。我想在這條路上，每個人都是盲目的。只有置身事外的旁觀者，能夠清楚卻血淋淋的測量現實與期待間的距離。為你們感到心疼，卻什麼也幫不上忙，我想你們也會想這樣對我說吧！

       二十歲的人生不能等到三十才開始！把身邊的人的故事當作前車之鑑，是否間接的延長了漂流？消波塊似的故事，消弭了自然推向岸的浪，我必須花更多力氣才能勉強找到方向。

       你像漂流木突如其來，讓疲憊的我在汪洋中喘口氣，但這多出來的重量卻拖慢我拼命想要游向岸邊的身子。手足無措，所以話總是說不清楚。這樣也好，不容易因建立關係而產生依賴。單一的答案不足以說明“你從哪裡來？”，所以我們同樣有著冗長的回答，因為我們都是流浪的旅人。驚訝之餘還是很開心，在最後能夠把想說的話清楚地表達，除了再見二字。我想我們都明白，行囊裡容不下另一片海，所以只是靜靜地看著浪蝕入，再次把我們推向各自的方向。謝謝你在這段短時間內陪伴我的日子，希望下次見面我們都不再是寂寞的流浪旅人。

       異國的生活是否真的改變了我，我不知道。但我想我現在想要的幸福，是把握每個當下，活出最精彩的人生。還是看不到陸地的蹤影，就讓人生的浪帶著我吧！但這次，要擁抱每個途中的新奇與困難，成為我所佩服的那些勇於主動出擊的人。

もう限界だ！（受不了了！）

週一開始又是帶著兩個學生的生活，很累，卻每天都睡不好。我想是太多情緒尚未宣洩吧！

不懂自己為什麼笑著，又為了什麼分裂著，所以在最高點，毫不猶豫地向下一躍。

上週的實驗動物課程暨扎實又緊湊，短短一週內搭建起人與實驗動物間的各種橋樑。儘管辛苦，卻是回來後過得最開心的一週了吧！原本以為這餘韻足夠再撐個幾週，卻在今天無預警迸裂了！

在課程中累積的情緒，加上今天的插曲，如今日突如其來的冷空氣，凍得刺骨。

下午正帶著兩位學生繼續第二天的染色，我嘗試同時腦中計算、嘴上說明、雙手動作。忽然從敞開的隔壁房間傳來聲音，黛玉自動地加入了話題。勉強應了幾句，又繼續我的動作，計時器還在滴答倒數著呢！但黛玉並沒有因此而停止，所以我自動待機了，讓另外兩位繼續應答就夠了吧！

「She often offers help voluntarily. It seems super nice. However, she usually slows you down rahter then actually helps. Precisely, what she offers is HER company with bombarding negtive thoughts. 」每當有新人告訴我黛玉人很好的時候，我都想這樣說。上週的課程中也有好幾次我忍不住想要大聲的說出這句話，但我沒有。

我可以理解在一個全新的環境中，黛玉想要展現自己的心情。不論怎麼吹捧，可以不要把我做的事情或是我幫你做的事情說得好像都是你自己做的一樣嗎？！ＷＴＦ！不要說本身的技術了，我在每個實驗上花的時間可能都是你的十倍以上耶！我們根本不是同一個水平啊！不幫忙就算了，可以不要在旁邊哭嗎？！哭完之後還是要告訴大家你很厲害都會了，而且還幫很多忙？！ＷＴＦ！

我不會再當你的prey了！中午請不要刻意等我吃飯好嗎？我只想一個人靜一靜！

尬的！我希望黛玉離我越遠越好！